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Misty
Moderator
235 Posts |
 Posted - 11/25/2004 : 12:00:19
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Thanks to Fay's help in editing and everyone's advice I managed to change around my story a bit to make it better. I also added some more. Also note that this is not the final edit. 
Sarah Walsh shivered as she stepped out into the chilly November’s day in 1929. A brilliant yellow sunrise greeted her as leaves and gravel crunched under her shoes. The puddles were speckled green and yellow with reflections from trees along the path. Starlings startled her with their high pitched whistles. To her right, the ocean which had an eery calmness to it, intruded between the trees had an eerie calmness to it.
Sarah continued walking towards the Burin General Store at the end of the path. Inside, the clerk welcomed her and she responded with a smile as she made her way to the back.
She swiftly moved down the last row of shelves, fingering some of the items, then walked up to the counter with bags of flour and sugar. When she got there she decided to bring some candy home to share with her brothers and sister. So she selected a few peppermints, paid for the goods, and made her way back home.
Opening the front door, Sarah stepped into the kitchen where her mother was cooking fish and brewis. She laid the brown paper bag down onto the table. Her mother then, came over and took what she needed from the bag and went back to cooking.
Then Sarah went into her bedroom to practice her sewing. Her mother had been showing her how to do it lately and she wanted to get a head start on the dress she was making before it got too dark. So she placed a long piece of blue cloth under the needle, her fingers moving in unison and her right foot working at the pedal.
Suddenly Sarah gasped in shock and pain. The table had begun shaking and the needle dove into her finger. A loud shriek came from the kitchen. Sarah got up immediately and ran out to find her mother clinging on to the counters, trying to keep her balance. Pots and pans danced on the stove top, pictures jumped off the wall, glass fell to the floor in shatters.
K~la |
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Bificus
Moderator
USA
773 Posts |
Posted - 11/25/2004 : 18:24:28
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Hi Kayla,
This is good, I like it and I await the next part. You left a good hook to keept he suspense, and other than a few spelling errors I don't really see much more editing that needs to be done with this piece of the story. Keep up the great work!
Best Wishes!
~Chris |
A pat on the back for a job well done is all well and good, but it causes one's abilities to grow stagnant. The fear of loss may mean no loss, but it also means no gain. If one's abilities are to continue to grow, they must know where they need to improve.
~Chris Riggs |
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anteagua
Moderator
United Kingdom
987 Posts |
Posted - 11/26/2004 : 04:39:35
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Hi Misty,
This is a very good story. Once again the very descriptive opening which I like very much.
Look forward to the next installment and keep up the good work!
Best,
Barbara |
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Misty
Moderator
235 Posts |
Posted - 11/26/2004 : 11:04:18
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Hey Chris & Barbara!
Thanks. I'm working hard on this and really want it to come out good. I'll check the spelling mistakes and change them soon.
K~la |
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volvic
Moderator
United Kingdom
390 Posts |
Posted - 11/27/2004 : 04:31:26
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Hi
It's good to see you have begun the self-editing process and I think this story has huge potential.
I've had a go at editing this line - I hope it helps.
Sarah continued walking towards the Burin General Store at the end of the path. Inside, the clerk welcomed her and she responded with a smile as she made her way to the back.
Upon entering the Burin General Store the clerk gave Sarah a friendly welcoming wave.
"Hi there." Sarah grinned as she made her way to the back.
I looked up Burin on the Internet it looks fantastic.
Keep it going.
Christine
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Misty
Moderator
235 Posts |
Posted - 11/27/2004 : 10:29:03
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Hi Christine!
Thanks for the advice.
Burin is a nice place for the scenery mostly now or if you want to be in a quiet town. It is slowly deteriorating though. Many people have moved away from this area because of employment and the such.
K~la |
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