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Chainsaw
Sapodilla
USA
43 Posts |
 Posted - 11/20/2004 : 05:27:04
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Here is a little tid bit I wrote for another website. Its about Rome and her armies in the North, particularl one Decius Julius. Take a look.
Decius waited. And waited. And waited. With no response from Cicero his men were restless. He had 10,000 men, the barbarians were 16,000. This needn't be a long fight. Decius knew his tactics and men were much superior. Another hour passed. With 15 minutes to Ciceros response Decius snapped.
"Enough of this." He said to Lutorius. "Time to set things arunning." He brought his horse over to the trumpeter.
"Sound form testudo." A series of blasts played out.
The army was ecstatic. A song rose in the air as they fell into formation.
Oh when I joined the Eagles
As it might be yesterday
I kissed a girl at Clusium
before I marched away
A long march a long march and twenty years in store
when I left my girl beside the threshing door
Decius was filled with a fire he'd not seen in 4 years since he'd been a Praetorian Commander. Brutus and Secundus were out saddling their horses. When they rode to Decius they kept their speech short.
"We're going to fetch a third legion seven miles south. Don't attack yet." Again the customary wink that Decius knew what it meant.
The song rose again as the army prepared to charge.
the spanish maids are honey sweet
and the golden girl of Gaul
and Thracian women as soft as birds to hold the heart in thrall
but the girl I left at Clusium
kissed and left at Clusium
but the girl I left at Clusium I remember best of all
A long march a long march and twenty years behind
but the girl I left at Clusium comes easy to my mind
The song of the eagles
died as the army came full on to the barbarian horde. Breaking formation they fought man to man. Most of the barbarians were resting when the charge had come. Many fell in the first few minutes. Centurion Drusillius was fighting on horseback next to Decius, cutting their way to the end of the line. Catapaults fired into the left of the enemy forces where they were attempting to swing around the back of the much smaller Roman army. The barbarians were mostly light infantry. But that didn't stop them from killing Dcius' horse. He landed with a thud in the dirt and snow. Momentarily dazed until he saw a rather large barbarian holding an axe that could cleave a boar. Decius knew his longsword was useless against such a weapon. Thus he went on full offense. Springing to his feet and sidestepping a blow he came down through the ranks killing as he went. All the while wondering when the 1,500 cavalry he'd sent to come in behind the Germans were. He saw Drusilius fall. Drusilius was like Decius, he fought much better on foot than on horse. Drusilius held his own like none other. Such sites gave the men hope and they pressed forward. Some still useing their pilums range to counter the brute strength of the barbarians. A good tactic that helped to win the battle. Fire raged through the trees. The men withdrew letting a small amount of barbarians get away. Most of them lay slain. Elated from their victory the army marched back to the top of the hill. Men began cutting trees to build a fort. Lutorius led a horse to Decius who promptly mounted. It was at this time Decius noted that the cavalry came charging through the trees only to find to their surprise the enemy was dead. Dissapointment flooded their ranks. Riding up the hill Decius felt like singing himself as his men broke into the Eagles song again. But other things were on his mind.
"Casualty report?" He asked Lutorius.
"827 round abouts."
Decius' jaw dropped
"Thats it?"
"Yes, the senate will kill you but Emperor Clodius will pardon your deriliction."
"Clodius?" "Yes he a couple miles to the east I believe we recieved word he is riding with Ciceros company, also another German army is approaching from the west. Some 32 miles at last report."
Decius found this a mixed blessing. The Emperor or barbarians. Well best make the camp large.
"Let them come."
Boy it was while ago i wrote that. Again typos are a common occurance.
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INCOMPETENCE: When you earnestly believe you can make up for a lack of skill by doubling your efforts, there is no end to what you can't do. |
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Bificus
Moderator
USA
773 Posts |
Posted - 11/20/2004 : 20:36:35
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Hi Chainsaw,
I already covered the rule of "show not tell", so I won't go over that again with this one. I also feel I should point out your use of passive voice, try to stay away from that nasty habit. Words like "was" and "had been" and the such can ruin any perspective of a story.
Best Wishes,
~Chris |
A pat on the back for a job well done is all well and good, but it causes one's abilities to grow stagnant. The fear of loss may mean no loss, but it also means no gain. If one's abilities are to continue to grow, they must know where they need to improve.
~Chris Riggs |
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real stumped08
Sapodilla
37 Posts |
Posted - 11/23/2004 : 15:29:58
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tyler
she's right the passive voice makes a big difference just look at my crash and then crash revised keep working at it you neee to self edit thats is the best way to get better
Keep at it Dugan
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Mike Broemmel
Mango
USA
113 Posts |
Posted - 11/23/2004 : 17:22:42
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Hi Chainsaw...
Spent a bit "reading your stuff." I really cannot ad much more beyond what has been said so far. Showing and not telling is vital to successful writing I do think. And, I generally do agree that passive voice should be avoided whenever possible. Once in a while it works -- passive voice -- but more often than not it slows down tha pace of a story.
Glad to see you are writing, though, and accepting helpful commentary.
Mike Broemmel |
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Chainsaw
Sapodilla
USA
43 Posts |
Posted - 11/23/2004 : 19:02:30
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| Hmm, I think I should slow down yes. I write everything off the top of my head. I tend to massacre my books when I drag them out over days or weeks. Hence most of my writings are complete in an hour or less. I write for enjoyment though and it all goes to websites. I don't care what they think but they usually like it. This particular thread has over 600 views on the other site. I'd give you the URL if it is allowed. Again these forums work differently than most. |
INCOMPETENCE: When you earnestly believe you can make up for a lack of skill by doubling your efforts, there is no end to what you can't do. |
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Bificus
Moderator
USA
773 Posts |
Posted - 11/23/2004 : 23:00:03
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I don't see any problem with you giving us the link to the rest of this article Chainsaw.
~Chris |
A pat on the back for a job well done is all well and good, but it causes one's abilities to grow stagnant. The fear of loss may mean no loss, but it also means no gain. If one's abilities are to continue to grow, they must know where they need to improve.
~Chris Riggs |
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Fay
Administrator
Bahamas
1804 Posts |
Posted - 11/24/2004 : 05:19:39
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quote:
Originally posted by Bificus
I don't see any problem with you giving us the link to the rest of this article Chainsaw.
~Chris
Provided this complies with the rules of the Bahamas Writer forums and the link does not go to any text with violent or graphic content.
Fay |
The Bahamas Writer |
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Chainsaw
Sapodilla
USA
43 Posts |
Posted - 11/24/2004 : 06:57:16
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Again I cant post the link because the site has contributions from over 30000 writers. I can't account for others writings. This is by far not my best writing, it is something i just happend to be working on when I was online. But if you want the site, if its ok with the Admins and Mods, I may be able to PM it to you. There are some really astounding pieces from many people. And the great thing is that its all there in black and white. You dont need to suscribeor whatnot. Good program, lets you practice writing and meet people. However some people aren't the best neighbors.
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INCOMPETENCE: When you earnestly believe you can make up for a lack of skill by doubling your efforts, there is no end to what you can't do. |
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Bificus
Moderator
USA
773 Posts |
Posted - 11/24/2004 : 14:24:50
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Considering the probability of there being graphic content on the site with over 30,000 writers I would think that posting the link wouldn't be acceptable, but if Chainsaw doesn't mind you could use the email link in his profile to ask him for it. For safety reason's using the email link in the profile will not give out your actual email address as far as I know.
~Chris |
A pat on the back for a job well done is all well and good, but it causes one's abilities to grow stagnant. The fear of loss may mean no loss, but it also means no gain. If one's abilities are to continue to grow, they must know where they need to improve.
~Chris Riggs |
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Fay
Administrator
Bahamas
1804 Posts |
Posted - 11/24/2004 : 14:39:51
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quote:
Originally posted by Bificus
Considering the probability of there being graphic content on the site with over 30,000 writers I would think that posting the link wouldn't be acceptable, but if Chainsaw doesn't mind you could use the email link in his profile to ask him for it. For safety reason's using the email link in the profile will not give out your actual email address as far as I know.
~Chris
I agree with you Chris. And thanks Chainsaw for not going ahead and posting the link without asking first.
Just to clarify emailing via a profile, if a member emails Chainsaw, that member won't see Chainsaw's email address (or any other member's email address that they email to through a profile), but the recipient WILL see the sender's email address.
Fay |
The Bahamas Writer |
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Chainsaw
Sapodilla
USA
43 Posts |
Posted - 11/24/2004 : 15:07:18
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| Hmm, I don't remember which e-mail address I used to register. I have over 12 accounts, I think. I could give you an alternate e-mail, if the mods etc approve. And don't call me Chainsaw anymore. My name is Tyler |
INCOMPETENCE: When you earnestly believe you can make up for a lack of skill by doubling your efforts, there is no end to what you can't do. |
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Bificus
Moderator
USA
773 Posts |
Posted - 11/24/2004 : 15:59:52
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Hi Tyler,
Go into my profile and click on the email link and send me that url for the site if you don't mind.
Much Thanks,
~Chris |
A pat on the back for a job well done is all well and good, but it causes one's abilities to grow stagnant. The fear of loss may mean no loss, but it also means no gain. If one's abilities are to continue to grow, they must know where they need to improve.
~Chris Riggs |
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Chainsaw
Sapodilla
USA
43 Posts |
Posted - 11/24/2004 : 16:32:43
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Will do, check your e-mail.
Enjoy |
INCOMPETENCE: When you earnestly believe you can make up for a lack of skill by doubling your efforts, there is no end to what you can't do. |
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volvic
Moderator
United Kingdom
390 Posts |
Posted - 11/27/2004 : 04:14:32
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Once again you display your superb knowledge in a passionate way.
Try to breakdown large chunks of writing into smaller paragraphs as sometimes people can get fed up and not read to the end.
I think you could make good Roman TV programmes and films.
Beat wishes
Christine
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Chainsaw
Sapodilla
USA
43 Posts |
Posted - 11/27/2004 : 07:10:42
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| As I've said previously 9/10 of my writings are done in two hours or less. I don't have much patience for dragging things out. This particular piece is no great work. Unfortunately all my really great stuff is, ah, inappropriate for this site. Tis most unfortunate. |
INCOMPETENCE: When you earnestly believe you can make up for a lack of skill by doubling your efforts, there is no end to what you can't do. |
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real stumped08
Sapodilla
37 Posts |
Posted - 11/29/2004 : 15:31:36
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| yes and your stories are good if you took you'r time they would be great. |
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